It's so hard to say goodbye... it sounds too final but that't the word that Ummi had to say after saying Bismillah ( In the name of God) and started swallowing the first tablet at the Queen's Medical Centre (QMC) this morning for medical treatment of the miscarriage.
8 weeks old little darling...
Alhamdulillah (All praise to Allah).. Allah gives Ummi the strengh to go all this & thinking about to share and spread out the words on how beautiful journey that is fated by The Almighty - just three days after celebrating my 31st Birthday ;)
Yesterday we had the so called 'First Dating Scan' at QMC. Ummi & Ayah had to drop off your big brother Ammar, big sis Aisyah & not so big sis Adni at Wafaa's house because the appointment is scheduled at 830am. It was a very hectic Tuesday morning, struggling to get everyone ready .. breakfast + reading folders + pack lunches... They were kind of excited when Ayah explained that they have to go to school with Makcik Iman today because we are going to meet the baby at the hospital ;)
Alhamdulillah.. i just arrived on time and hubby had to rush to the University accross the road for his weekly dating with his supervisor at 9am. I was welcomed by the midwife who had ring me a day before to ensure that Fakhizan would be at the hospital during the meeting with the Haematologist (Blood Consultant). I promised her that my husband will be here at 1000am, hopefully by the time the scan settled and we are ready for the consultation. ( It's something to do with Haemophilia & Hemaglobin deficiency)
Upon waiting my name to be called for the scan, I read the Pilgrimage book ( got lots and lots more to read as a preparation for the Hajj journey to the Holy Land of Makkah at the end of next month ) Again.. the midwife came to me asking for my permission to allow the medical student to be in the scan room. I said yes and later she came with 2 girls...
A very special girl...
I was really shocked to meet this very special, petite, sweet girl!!! She introduced her name by showing her student card. She even showed me her 4 fingers to tell me that she's now in her 4th year Medical course at the Uni. She could hardly talk but been really friendly to me compared to her classmate, who is just being ignored by the pregnant lady and her partner at the front of us.
I could see that S**** could hardly breath but she was so excited asking me Questions
I told her that I'm from Malaysia..and she bacame more excited when I mentioned her Malaysian classmates names ( Fatimah, Madihah, Iman & Hosni) Here goes our conversation ( I quickly close my book and don't feel comfortable reading the book and leaving her looking at me)
S: Tired? (Signing sad face)
Me: Yes.. i had my 31st birthday party yesterday
S:'Your 4th baby?'
Me: Of course :) it's a gift from God
Me:God mentioned in the Holy Book about sperm & ovum forming the embrio in the womb.
S: Really? (She sounds more interested)
Me: Yes, God reveals it to Prophet Muhammad long time ago where there was no scientific research being done yet.
S: ohh OK
Me: U wanna be a doctor?
S: Yes..struggle .. struggle
Subhanallah ( Glorious to God), i was about running into tears when she said this. so amazed by her determination being a medical student despite her disability. God has created her very special. He send me to her in a very special way in a very special morning where everyone felt sorry to see the result of the scan in the room.
It was no longer after the chit chat that my name was called by a Consultant Trainee O&G and off we went into the room. She was a very nice lady doctor asking about the pregancy and my other children.. 'Do they know about the baby?' 'Are they excited?' She applied the gel on my tummy and ready for the scan where suddenly the Consultant O&G came into the room; apologize for doing so. He said that he has to come in because I am the first patient of the day ..Making sure things are OK before the lights turned off:)
In the dark room...
On the screen I could see a 'tiny shape' but could hardly hear any sounds.. nor movements at all. The Consultant O&G came into the room again and after looking at the screen he asked me 'Erni, how many weeks do you think you are now?' I answered '12weeks'. He continued . 'I am very sorry..the scan shows that there is no heart beat and the baby size is only about 8 weeks.' Then another consultants came in ; repeat the scan and I heard the same sentence again.
Allahuakbar (Allah is the Almighty)... Innalillahi wa inna ilahi roji'un (We belong to Allah and to Allah we return) That was the only word I could say out..; nothing more I could think of except my other three children who would be so excited coming back from school to look at the 'baby's first picture' :(
Thank You Allah...
S accompanied me to the Consultation Room.. She gives me a sprang of relief when looking at her innocent face. She said ' Sorry'. I then opened up the Pilgrimage book and I suddenly came accross a hadeeth from the Prophet Muhammad SAW. I quickly read it to her.
" I entrust you to Allah, whose trust is never lost)
( Ahmad 2/403 & Ibn Majah 2825)
I told her 'Yes... it's very difficult but remember that God the Almighty has got the best plan ever for us. He allowed the baby to stay for 8 weeks in my womb to share the joy and happiness with her sisters & brother but today He has taken it to be in a bettler place in life hereafter'.
She then shocked her head and gave me a big smile! :)
Ummi hope one fine day Aisyah would be able to read and understand this..She's been always asking for a baby and keep on making dua 'Oh Allah, please give us a baby' Ummi could just gave her a big hug and comfort her when she cried out loud after she heard this sad news upon returning from school. Ummi tried my best not to cry in front of Aisyah. Ammar and Adni was a bit confused after Ayah explained what happened. But they could understand that one day we could meet up with our darling little baby at paradise, Bi Iznillah :) Alhamdulillah, a day has gone and now Aisyah could undertsand that Allah has taken the baby from us because lots of reasons. The baby might not be healthy and let's pray to Allah to give us a healthier baby in future :)Ameen.
How can ye reject the faith in Allah? Seeing that ye were without life, and He gave you life; then will He cause you to die, and will again bring you to life; and again to Him will ye return.